Gardening and Life

Funny how so many things can be a metaphor for life.

As I was mowing the front yard today and attempting to pull weeds from what was once my garden, I noticed how pervasive the weeds had become. Such small things that if I took just a couple of minutes once a week, could be taken care of. Instead I wait a year and spend hours, still not getting them all out.

Got me thinking of all of the weeds in my life, all of the things big and little, that if I just take care of or deal with in the moment, can eventually become insignificant. Instead, I file them away - deal with them later I say. Only later never comes.

Instead these feelings, ideas, insecurities, doubt, take root. Little at first, so I barely notice they're there. Only, when these weeds start to obstruct and interfere with my view of all of the flowers around them, do I notice how unruly I've let them become. By this time ,the weeds have started taking my nourishment, my strength away from the beauty that surrounds me and all I see are weeds. The anger, the bitterness, the resentments, the shame, the guilt become my gardens.

I'm making a promise to myself to become a better gardener. To not allow the weeds to take over - to recognize them for what they are: Opportunities for me to practice patience, love, kindness, forgiveness and truth.

Ahh, I'm looking forward to a garden in full bloom.

Finding my faith or How to Just Be

Today is Easter, a time to celebrate rebirth, life, the beauty of our amazing planet and all the wondrous things she provides for us (in spite or our abuse of her), and most importantly - the love of our Creator for us.

I thought it appropriate to share and reflect on the reemergence of my faith and the profound impact it has had on me.

I had been searching for a while, trying to find a place where I felt I belonged. After much soul-searching and many months of research, I had started attending our local Quaker church. I was enjoying it and looked forward to attending meeting on Sundays. I still didn't feel complete in my faith, but was hoping that maybe by osmosis (surrounded by like-minded people who had found peace and contentment with their faith) and praying really hard, it would happen for me too.

After about 6 months or so of attending semi-regularly, I was getting a little discouraged. It was January and I was heading to my home-town to visit family. This is always an emotional trip for me - has been since the death of my grandmother and the decline in my mother's health and quality of life.

After a day of visiting, I went back to the hotel with my boys and our two dogs. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to sleep - preferably at home in my own bed! The boys and dogs were down for the night and I kept thinking of how I really wish that I was at home - that I could attending meeting Sunday morning, surrounded by my spiritual family, seeking His guidance, and hopefully, finally after months, hearing His answers. No such luck!

Bright and Early at the ungodly hour of 6:30a.m. on Sunday morning, J'Shawn, William and the dogs were up and ready to get moving. As our hotel was only a couple of blocks from the beach, I decided to load them all up and head out there.

It was 7:30 in the morning, I unloaded them all from the car and headed for the shore. J'Shawn and the dogs immediately started chasing seagulls up and down the shoreline. William and I sat near the waterline, playing the sand and digging for shells. Everyone was having a wonderful time. I stood up and watched my son, rolling in the sand, wrestling the dogs, enjoying life, not a care in the world. After a few minutes, the dogs, exhausted from the early morning play, came to lie down beside William and me. J'Shawn followed a few minutes later - lying on his back with his head on my lap, watching the birds fly up ahead.

It hit me then, everything at once, I felt more alive than I had ever felt before. I kept praying, going to meeting, trying so hard. It was there all along, Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God.

In the midst of all of my "doing", I needed to "just be". Everything that I am, everything that I love, was right there, in front of me, surrounding me - literally, just a fingertip away. I could reach out and touch them - my boys, my sons. The sun was rising over the water on a new day, a glorious day, a new start, that I could make mine. It was a gift to me, I only had to decide what to make of it.

I still attend Meeting with my fellow Quakers, and am finding fellowship, friendship and a greater sense of purpose.

I do not consider myself overly religious and very seldom speak of my faith. Rather, I try to live my life in a gentle way, commit to helping others, speak only kind words, and remind myself everyday of all of the gifts He has bestowed upon us.

I don't always succeed and some days are harder than others, but always, before I go to sleep, I remind myself to "Be still".

What I learned in preschool today...........

As I was picking up my son, J’Shawn from daycare yesterday, holding my 11 month old in my arms, one of my son’s classmates looked at me with a puzzled expression on his faced and asked "You his Momma?" I said "yes, sweetie I am his Mom." "Does he live with you?" He asked. "Yes, he does" I replied. "At your house?" he asked again. "Of course" I said. "Ohh" he responded and turned back to the cartoon.

The wheels in my head began turning. I knew that J’Shawn’s and my different skin colors would start to become noticed and questions would begin. So far, J’Shawn hadn’t said anything and I knew all of the pat easy answers I would give, but hadn’t thought much beyond, "Everyone’s a different color baby, but we all love the same an live together and we’re a family". How would I explain this to his classmates, who by the way, are 90% African American like my son? I thought, I really need to give a little more thought and attention to this.

At this point, J’Shawn comes running up to me and gives me a big ol’ hug. The little boy looks at J’Shawn and says "Bye, your going home". J’Shawn nods his head yes. I wave to the little boy and tell him bye and say, "Your Momma will be here to pick you up soon and then you’re gonna go home". He nods no. I said, "yes, sweetie, she’s gonna pick you up – in just a few minutes". His response, "My momma’s gone, I live with my Grandma". "Ohh" I say, "Your Grandma will be hear in just a second." I ushered J’Shawn out of the daycare and headed to the car.

I thought about the little boy all evening yesterday. I put the kids to bed and just reflected. I’ve always thought myself to be and open and accepting person with no prejudices that never likes to make assumptions. Hell, I don’t even like the word TOLERANT. To me this word evokes, tolerance -which to me means that I will "tolerate" something different or out of the realm of my understanding. I don’t ever want to "tolerate" something. I want to embrace, understand, and connect with something different than me.

But this little boy showed me that even the most open accepting person makes assumptions based on our life experiences, good or bad, and that these experience shape our relationships, and most importantly the way we see the world around us. You see, I assumed that this little boy lived with him Mom, just like I did with mine, and J’Shawn does with me.. Even though I KNOW that this is not always the case, Hell, the last 6+ years of my life has been devoted to caring for kids who don’t. He was looking at a little boy going home with him Mom, not a black child leaving with a white lady.

I guess for me, the whole lesson that I learned was that we never need to stop learning, to stop seeing beyond or own circle. That even when you think you know it all, are open to it all, are accepting of it all – you don’t and you aren’t. You must continue to challenge what you know and how you feel – it took a four year old I’ve never met before to teach me this.